my neck hurt monday night. nothing major… but it hurt. it felt like a little sore spot. i just “noticed” it.
tuesday it hurt worse. and by wednesday it felt like i had the worst case of strep throat i’d ever had in my life – except rather than pain right under my jaw it was at the base of my neck. weird. i hadn’t ever had a literal pain in the neck. bwaaaahahaha.
i felt around a little bit, pushed it in and out and felt a small grape thing. ish. whatevs. no big deal.
thursday my grape neck was SUPER tender to touch and it hurt to turn my head or talk. it was weird – the pain hurt with the vibration of my voice as i spoke. i realized throughout the day i was kind of having a little shortness of breath and swallowing crap, even water, was all of a sudden much more difficult.
i knew something wasn’t right… soooo before bed on thursday i told kev i had a tumor. because anytime anything hurts or feels like a bump – it’s a tumor. or at least that’s what google tells me and then i tell kev. over the years it’s become kind of a running joke. (he calls me dr. google. i accept.)
he laughed a little and said, “oh boy. here we go. just get it checked out.” i said, “fine. i will.”
friday morning came and my ear hurt. and my head hurt. i asked kev to feel it. so it pushed it a little bit and i swatted his hand. “what the crap dude! that hurts!”
he told me i likely had “just a swollen lymphnode.” i agreed because my ear hurt. i figured it’s all interconnected on the highway of lymph nodules. we decided i should go in friday – so i called and they got me in with the on call doc.
i went in – he felt up my neck. that sounds dirty… i assure you – it wasn’t. HA! he put a lot of pressure on my neck and i thought i was going to cry. or scream. or scream and then cry. but grant was with me – so i had to be really brave.
“are you aight mama?” he said in the sweetest lil’ voice. i confidently replied, “Whhhhy of course! your mama is so brave and bold! don’t choo worry about me little dude!”
the doc was done. he rattled off some doctor jargon and said he thought it was one of two things: 1) a cyst. 2) thyroid cancer.
i went blank. “oh my god…”
then i immediately heard grant say, “ummmm… mama! i have a question! MAMAAA! we do NOT say oh my god. we say oh my GOSH! right?”
“yes son. yes we do.”
the doc said i’d need to go in for a “bilateral thyroid ultrasound.” and the nurse would come in with my appointment. he shook my hand and turned to grant for a shake. homeboy left the doc hangin. i’m raising THOSE kids. LOL. meh. whatevs.
all i could think about was the possibility that i have thyroid CANCER. C-A-N-C-E-R. as in – cancer kills people. like my dad. and all of a sudden i started thinking about how i could find kev a new wife that loved my kids like i do before i died. and the empty chair i’d hoped my kids would put out for my ghost self to sit in at their weddings. and the movies of myself reading bedtime stories in my very best actress voice i’d need to create for my unborn grand kids.
i heard the nurse through the door talking on the phone with the radiology department. “yes, mckenzie sacry. s-a-c-r-y. yes. a lump. bilateral thyroid.”
tears welled up. i immediately went to that dark place. that really dark place.
she came in and handed me my appointment card, smiled, and said your appointment is a week from tomorrow. they are a little backed up but i have a friend who comes in every morning at 7am and you can call her. everyday. sometimes someone will call at 9pm the night before and you can slide into their spot in the morning. then she told me she hoped i had a great rest of my thursday and she’d speak to me soon.
grant and i walked to the car. he was singing his abc’s and talking about how mater is the world’s best backwards driver. i buckled him in and gently closed his car door.
in that moment – i wanted to unzip my skin and run out of it. or just let my guts spill all over the pavement. i quietly walked to my side, got in and started the engine.
i was lost. i didn’t know what to do. any normal person would call her mom. that’s what people do when they are told they might have cancer. but mine is gone. so the next logical call was going to be to my dad. but he’s gone too. so i decided to call my grandma because i talk to her about bologna like this since my mom died. but she’s gone too. a whole year next month. i realized i didn’t have a person. i had no one that i could call that would just let me freak out and not try to rationalize with me. and i lost it. started to sob. right there. people were staring.
now – let me say – i DO have people. i have an AMAZING supportive husband that i could tell anything to – but i know what his reaction would be and he’d talk me off the ledge. same with my best friends and my cousin. i just… needed my mama in that moment.
then i remembered my mom lives literally steps off the hospital grounds. so i drove over to the cemetery, got out of the car, calmly walked over to her and my dad’s headstone and LOST. MY. SHIT. i let loose. i told her everything. just like if we would have been on the phone. i told her i don’t even know what it is – but my head goes immediately to the worse case scenario. i told her that if i die – it’ll be my responsibility to find kevin a wife because, god bless him, he is completely OBLIVIOUS when women love him. i told her that if i was dying – i’d need to immediately book a disney cruise. because THAT would be a tragedy. if i kicked the bucket before taking the kids on a disney cruise. i told her i missed her and i needed her. i cursed her for being gone. i told her that i didn’t know if i could do this without her. i sobbed. LOUDLY. then i wondered if the people running on the trails by the cemetery would hear me and just think i was sad because i was visiting a grave. so i yelled, “I MIGHT HAVE CANCER! MOTHER EFFING CANCER! MEEEEEEE! NOT YOU! YOU GUYS ARE ALREADY DEAD!” then i realized i was a complete lunatic. so i kissed the stone – right side for mom – left side for dad. then i started to walk away and i said, “i love you guys. i’ll see you soon… but not too soon. that’s totally not what i meant.”
i got back in the car and drove home. i couldn’t control it… i sobbed. and grant sobbed because i was sobbing. so we were both wailing like crazy people. i wonder what the other drivers thought. i’d guess they just thought it was a rough day in the mom mobile and i needed some coffee. oy.
i got home, opened the garage and pulled in. i realized i looked like hawt death and my “sister wife” was there helping me run my at home business – so i attempted to wipe my tears and fan my face – but at that point – my laaawd – there was no fixing me. i looked bad. alas.
i walked in – she immediately knew something was up so she took grant out for a date. god bless lindsey. i needed to sit in this pool of crazy alone for just a minute.
i hopped in the tub. it’s my happy place.
kev called – i ignored him. he called again – ignore. he texted, “how’d it go?” i yelled “BAD!” and slammed my phone back down. he called again – i answered. “sooo – how’d it go?” he said. “oh it went fine. looks like just a swollen lymphnode.” i said. then he said, “oh good. i had a feeling it wasn’t anything serious. i’m so glad!” so i said, “yep. me too.”
i lied. straight. up. bold. faced. lied. but i didn’t know how to say, “the doctor said it could be cancer” – the words just wouldn’t come. i just could not say it. so i lied. i am a liar who lies.
when something that is really very literally life and death comes up – you realize, VERY QUICKLY, what’s important in your life. you laugh at the stupid crap you’ve been worrying about and everything becomes VERY clear.
so today i either have a thyroid cyst that needs to be surgically removed (because it’s the size of a grape – remember? grape neck? yep. that’s me). or… i have thyroid cancer. cancer. mother effing cancer in my thyroid.
and for now… all i can do is wait. and waiting sucks. so very very hard.
oh – and call the radiology department every morning at 7am and sweet talk my way onto the schedule.
and most importantly of all – pray. like i’ve never EVER prayed before.
join me if you wanna. mama could use some prayers.
gah,
*m
her: “radiology.” (emphasis on the period of that statement)
