Effing Thyroid

i’ve told a few more people about what’s going on.  the problem is – i really don’t know what’s going on.  so telling them what’s going on is… hard.

the handful of my people that know i’m headed in for the biopsies on benny, joon and the groupies in a couple days have been asking me “how i’m feeling,” and “how i’m doing” and “if i’m ok.”  the truth is – i may be manic depressant.  LOL.

seriously though.  there are days where i throw pity parties (for one) and feel very sad, crazy amounts of scared and suuuuper sorry for myself.   then – there are other days that i understand and accept the reality that i have no idea what’s happening and that whatever it is – i’m not in control.  both days i pray.  i read devotionals and i read scripture about waiting, patience, acceptance, understanding and most of all love.

today is easter.  i told my hubster i was going to stay home while he and my littles drove to his family’s ranch for dinner and crazy activities.  if i’m honest – holidays are very difficult for me since my mom passed away.  i miss her.  and on holidays it’s always amplified times a thousand. she always went overboard.  she was always making things BIG and over the top.  new traditions and sillyness reigned.  it was fun.  and i desperately miss it.  my husband’s family is great.  they are supportive and kind and i’m extremely grateful for them.  they are staples in my kid’s lives.  and mine too.  buuuut – going to kev’s family often makes me feel sad because i miss my own family so very much.  i can feel alone in a room with 50 people.   instead of being grateful that i DO have family in his – i feel sad that i’ve lost all of mine.  it’s very hard to explain.

anyway – i told him i was gonna go ahead and just stay home.  i really could use an entire day where i could just do me.  i could sleep in, watch tv, take a bath, then maybe go back to bed.  LOL.  do some nothing.  it sounded great.

but when i really prayed and search my heart of hearts – i knew it was selfish.  and unfair.  and while i know this is SOOOOO dramatic and completely unlikely – the thought entered my mind that this could be my last easter.  and that i’d LOATHE myself for sitting it out.

i prayed for a new perspective.  and i got it friends.  so very loud and clear.

you see – i’ve never EVER really questioned my OWN mortality.  i mean – we all live – we all die.  i get that.  and i’ve watched both my parents literally wither away in front of my eyes.  i. get. it.  but i’ve never REAAAALLLY considered the fact that someday i won’t be here too.   until now.  someday – my littles will have to go on without me.  and someday – my husband may have to find another wife.  obviously – it’s not what i want and if it were in  my control – i’d change that crap IMMEDIATELY.  but… it’s not.

my whole life i’ve really been quite blessed that i’m fairly healthy.  i’ve never been super sick or had anything that could remotely resemble my end of days.  but since this whole bologna with benny and joon and the groupies have popped up – i’ve been thinking a lot about it.

i know thyroid cancer is generally curable.  and i know the mortality rate is in my favor with stage 1 & 2.  but the fact that there are SO many unknowns that surely are low probabilities – for the first time ever – they are POSSIBILITIES.  like real in your face possibilities. the people that are in their 30s that go in for what they think is a lump and then leave with stage 3 and 4 diagnoses don’t expect that.  they don’t think that’s going to happen to them.  or really even anybody they know.  but it DOES.  sometimes.  and that’s scary.  and it has forced me to look at myself and my life and my choices in a new light.  because at the end of the day – whatever this is – there’s nothing i can do about it except trust the my God will deliver and heal me.

the way i see it – i have two choices.  i can sit around and stop participating in life (which really – makes me dead already) or i can live like i’m dying.  because the truth of the matter is – living like that is one of the greatest blessings i’ve ever experienced.  now – i know this is a little dramatic.  and i know i could run to the store for milk and get in a horrible car accident and that’d be the end of me.  or you.  i get that.  but really living everyday like it could be your last (because – HELLLOOO!  it could be) is one incredible gift… especially when it’s literally one of a very VERY short list of options on the table.   is it sad?  absolutely.  is it scary?  it’s HORRIFYING.   but when you really accept that all of us are mere mortals and none of us get out alive and then you live your life as if you could go at any moment – it’s freeing.  like really REALLY freeing.  you stop worrying about what other people are thinking of you or whether they are going to call CPS on you for going outside in the snow with no coats to spin circles and catch snowflakes on your tongue with your little people.  because you aren’t living to impress the world anymore.  you are living to make memories and experience life.  and it’s really beautiful.

i’ve been spending my time thanking God for what i DO have instead of asking for what i DON’T.  i’ve spent the last couple weeks watching my people – i mean really looking at them and i feel like i’ve literally “seen” them in a way that i never have before.  i’ve been appreciating them for who they are – RIGHT NOW – today instead of trying to think of ways to help them be better and stronger and faster.  i’ve stop wanting “more” for them and instead worked on helping them see how amazing and vibrant and beautiful and perfect they are right now.  today.  doing what they’re doing.   i’ve been sitting back and enjoying the ride as best i can.  i’ve been handing it all over to God – because really… what other option do i have?

i recently read a book where the author described her life and brutal and beautiful.  and when you put those two together – that makes “brut-i-ful.”  and when i read those words – something inside me clicked.  i got IT.  it’s SOOO very true.  i’ve just been so effing focused on the brutality and how God must have forgotten about me or decided that he didn’t really need me in his crew that i forgot to see the amazingness of it all.  i’ve been so focused on how to help those around be become better than i am and not make the same mistakes that i have that i’ve been trying to control them.  and everything.  and i’ve seen – clearer than ever – that i really control nothing.

not. even. myself.

and today – right now – i’m ok with that.

the thing i struggle with the most is – am i enough?  is what i’ve done enough… is what i’ve said enough… is what i believe enough… is every choice i’ve ever made… enough.  i’ve convinced myself that it isn’t.  i know God does miracles.  he does them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  but – maybe – probably not for me.

i spoke to a friend that has become so very dear in the last couple months.  i told her how one minute i’m strong and one minute i’m a hawt mess.  she said:

“God IS in control.  And this is a time where He’s going to be showing you that in such a raw, real, crazy way.  When you say you want to talk to Him on the phone, tell Him to reveal himself… And He will. He is so faithful.”

so i said, “mmkay.  i accept.  i will ask.”  and i did – and i am.  and until i hear back – i’ll wait.  and i’ll keep going.  because that’s what i do.  <3

 

the radiology department called today.

she went over my health history, got my list o’ meds and gave me a quick run down of what my biopsy day will look like.

i need to check in by 9am on april 7th.  the nurses will take me back and it should take 30-45 minutes to get me all prepped and ready to roll.

then i’ll go into the room where i’ll meet the radiologist and the doctor.  basically – they’ll numb my neck with a local anesthetic, find each of the masses with the ultrasound machine and then use the images on the screen to guide a long skinny needle into my neck, shake it around to break up some cells for testing and then use a special vacuum method to suck some of the cells from each of the masses.   they can’t just jab and suck because they won’t get the cells they need to test to see if it’s cancerous with that method.  they have to stab me, shake the needle around to break it up a little bit – and theeeeen suck.  with a vacuum thing.

it’s like disneyland.  but better.  :headdesk:

she said i’d be done by noon and then i’ll spend an hour or so in recovery.  then i can go home.  and take a bath.  and sleep.  in that order.  LOL.  she also said it’s not as bad as it sounds.  i’m pretty sure she lied- but i’m gonna go with that.  oy.

i don’t even need a chauffeur.  i can drive myself.  although – i have been considering arriving and departing by limo.  just because.  if i really do have cancer – mama comes and goes in s-t-y-l-e.

kev nixed that idea.  too expensive.  but alas.  

the nurse said that the pathologist will get my samples – set em’ up – test em’ out – read the results and that i should know by the end of the day on friday what these monsters are.

it couldn’t get here fast enough.

i feel like i’m bipolar.  sometimes i’m ok.  i’m playing and living and really enjoying my people.  other times – i’m devastated and spend time thinking about how i should spend my last days.  i have big plans – so that’s good.  but at the end of the day – i’m just trying to relax and be present.

i know this could be SOOOO much worse.  we could be testing for a brain tumor.  or – god forbid – we could be testing one of my littles instead of me.  i totally get it and i’m so unbelievably grateful my family is healthy and strong.  but it still doesn’t minimize this situation.  and i’m still scared.  but i am strong.  and i’ll get through this.  because really… what’s my other option?  LOL.  <3

i’m trying SOOOO very hard to be strong.  and believe.  and pray and get close to god.  because there is nothing else i can do.  <3

until next time,
*m

 

i know i said i wasn’t going to write again until i knew what i was dealing with… but i’ve had a lot of time to think.  and then re-think.  LOL.

i’m almost sure benny is a cyst.  i say this because i think benny is gone.  and i think joon ate him.  LOL.  there’s something i never thought i’d write.

i woke up with no pain in my neck sunday morning.  literally – THE DAY AFTER my ultrasound – poof.  he was gone. and so was the pain.

i can’t say for sure – but i think the ultrasound tech thought he was a cyst too.  and she flat out told me that joon is more “suspect.”

i’m about to get a little crazy on you – judge me if you must – but understand i’m absolutely serious.

after my ultrasound tech was ultrasound tech-ing my neck she said to me, “it’s so interesting this large mass popped up here on the band of your thyroid and led us to all of these other masses that we likely wouldn’t have found for months… maybe years. you must have someone watching out for you.”

hot tears welled up in my eyes.

damn right i do.   <3

i buy into life after death.  100%.  there is nothing and no one that could ever EVER convince me otherwise.  i’ve had SEVERAL experiences where there is no explanation other than that god and heaven and life after death exists.  it’s real.  period.  sometimes – when i’m really still – and i’m REALLY listening and praying and spending time with god – i can literally feel my mom in a room.  we loved butterflies.  especially monarchs.  soooo many times – at really special or emotional times in my life (and my kid’s lives) out of no where – the EXACT second i start thinking “i miss mom – i wish she was here to see this.”  BAM!  a monarch flies out of what seems to be no where.  or i’ll go to my mom and dad’s grave while it’s snowing and i talk and i cry and then out of the cloudy snowy mess of a sky – the clouds part and ONE ray of sunshine will blast down and hit me and their headstone perfectly.  i’ve looked around – there’s NO OTHER SUNSHINE.  just me.  and them.  soooo many times i’ll smell patchouli oil in a room by myself (usually in my own house) when i’m crying.   or cigarettes.  so strong it’s like someone is smoking right beside me.  i don’t wear patchouli – that’s my mom’s scent.  and i don’t smoke – but you can bet your sweet ass my dad did.  he always smelled like some kind of delicious food mixed with cigarette smoke.  it was his smell.  and sometimes – it’s still around.  out of – apparently – no where.

i hope you don’t think that’s where i was gonna get “crazy” because it’s not.  that’s just the set up for the crazy.  LOL.

here’s the thing – i know how nutso it sounds – but i think my mom might have put benny on my thyroid and caused me a crap ton of pain so that i’d go into the doc and get it checked out and find all this other bologna (ie: joon and the groupies).  i mean – obviously – i don’t even know that i think my mom really could strategically place a cyst within my body – but she could have talked to god about it.  and put in a good word to help me out.  and he might have listened.  i mean – if you knew my mom – you’d know she really is pretty persuasive.

CLEARLY it would have been SOOOO much better if she would have just mailed me a letter that said, “yo!  i miss you – go get your thyroid checked.  love, mamacita”   i’m guessing god nixed the letter from heaven thing.  orrrr – rather than placing a painful cyst on my thyroid she COULD have been all, “yo!  god!  do me a solid and remove that cancerous tumor from my kid’s throat…”   but whatever.  i’ll take what i can get.

in the event joon really IS cancer (which i just… am really scared about HER. like – my gut always thought benny was a cyst.  but as soon as i saw joon – my stomach sank) and she really DID effing EAT benny – she’s a cannibal.  not just a brainless cyst.  she’s a monster who is feeding herself and eating other masses to survive.  and that makes me skeeerrrrrred.

so… is it even a remote possibility that my mama tried to lead me to joon (and the groupies) by way of benny?  i surely think so.  because if joon is cancer – we found her early.  months – maybe even years sooner than i would have without benny causing me pain.

and therefore – i’m standing in faith and expecting a miracle.  because they happen everyday.  and even miracles take time.  the fairy godmother even says so.  and that ole’ lady has a magic wand.  so i’ll wait.  and be still.

time will tell…

until next time,

*m

i heard from the doc late last night.

he officially failed me on my first round bilateral ultrasound and said that i need a “fine needle aspiration” on both benny, joon and the groupies.  in “thyroid cancer for dummies” terms it means he’ll be taking a biopsy on all of em’.   and while he said that doesn’t necessarily mean i have cancer – he did say i shouldn’t wait to have the procedure done.

so i told him to schedule me with the first available appointment.  and he did.  it’s april 7th.  as in a week from today.

blah.

time has morphed me into a dog as of late.  a year is 7 years.  a week is like a year in my life.  it’s horrible.

i’m grateful.  i mean, really, i am.  because doing the biopsies will give me a solid concrete diagnosis.  but the fact that having cancer is on the table at all scares me.  and makes me an emotional crazy person.   i’m anxious.  and scared.  and trying to trust the process.  and god.  and his timing.  but being out of control is hard for me.  it’s uncomfortable.  mama no likey.

i’m such a HORRIBLE fill in the blank-er.  like – if i don’t know the outcome to something – i’ll think of 1,000 solutions and play them out to the end.  so it takes awhile.  and they really are all worst case scenarios.  because it’s what i do.  i prep and i plan for doomsday.  and when you literally have a life and death situation on the table – that’s never a good place to live.

i’ve been working on becoming my “best version of me” and i’ve set these expectations for myself.  high expectations.  ways that i think i should see the world.  ways i expect myself to act.  ways that i can do more and help others.  but patience is a virtue i’ve never had.  like… ever.  and waiting is so hard.

i really REALLY like to be in control.  i LOVE it.  i neeeeed it.  especially of myself.  well and really – of everything.  bwaaahahaha.  today my heart feels anxious and scared.  and in devotion time with God today – i could almost hear him saying to me “DO YOU TRUST ME WHEN MY ANSWER IS WAIT?”

and while i want to shout from the rooftops – “YES! of course i do! i’ll wait for you foreverrrr!” the raw dirty truth is… i waiver.  i try.  i want to. but… i waiver.  so i pray – “god… please please grant me patience.”  and since i’m being honest – i usually toss a quick, “and please hurry” in there too.  LOL.  then i turn it over – then i grab it back.  then i turn it over and i do this crazy dance where i give it then i take it… over and over.

God never gives you more than you can handle.  or something like that.  so there’s that.  LOL.

until next time,

*m

 

today was the day of my bilateral thyroid ultrasound.  it sounds really fancy, huh?

i went into this portion of confirming a diagnosis with a plan.  (you aren’t surprised are you?  HA!)  you see, my plan this time was to attempt to become insta-BFFs with my tech and get some information outta’ her.  even a little bit.  really – anything.  i’d take it.

it worked.  kinda.  she was SO very nice.  we could totally hang under different circumstances.

here’s what i know.

this is me.  this morning.  i was skeeerrred.  mama don’t wanna die.

lemme’ stop and say again – crap like this popping up in your life really REALLY makes you think about your life.  right now – it’s sooooo unbelievably clear what’s important… and what’s just… NOT.  i literally laughed out loud on the way to the hospital this morning thinking about the things i was all up in arms stressed out about on thursday morning before i realized i might have CANCER.

also – it occurred to me that i’m that girl that is SOOOO good at religion and prayer and faith and spirituality when things are bad and i’m literally brought to my knees.  there have been several times in my life where i felt so close to god that he was absolutely 100% tangible.  i mean – i could literally FEEL him in the room.  and then life happens  and time passes between those life changing experiences and i forget all those times where we were literally besties and i feel abandoned.  and then i get bitter.  and resentful.  and i pray for “a sign.”  and while i never ever EVER doubt that god CAN do miracles – i often find myself thinking i’m just not sure he will for me.  gah.  that hurts my heart to write it… but it’s true.  i wonder if i’m enough… daily.

regardless of the outcome of all this bologna – i’ve already learned a lot.  i have GOT to learn to relax.  and just roll with life.  and not worry about so many things.  and most of all – be grateful rather bitter and resentful.  i’ve learned (once again) that i’m not in control of anything.  and if i don’t stop pretending that i’m the driver – i’m gonna lose my mind.  so today… i’m standing in faith – waiting for my miracle and trusting that god will deliver.  for me.  because today… i’m enough.

mmkay.  so here’s REALLY what i know.

basic anatomy lesson.  this is a thyroid:

it looks like a butterfly.  a really gross fleshy and totally NOT pretty butterfly – but a butterfly none the less.  stay with me.

yep.  that’s him.  his name is benny.  i thought he lived on the right side of my thyroid because that’s where it hurts.  he doesn’t.  i thought wrong.  he actually lives on the band.  or the “body. – the space in the middle of the “wings.”

now – let me remind you i’m not a doctor (well – i mean – i AM a GOOGLE doctor – but that doesn’t count for in real life situations) and while i did the absolute very best i could to listen and remember EVERYTHING the tech said – this is what i remember.

you can pretty clearly see benny’s borders.  (it’s the circled green outline courtesy of yours truly). duh.  LOL.  the black part of benny is fluid.  the fact that benny is primarily fluid means he is most likely a cyst.  ::confetti::

that’s good news.  i mean – it’s not “GOOD” news – but it’s “much better than cancer news.”

however – you’ll notice that bastard has a little solid bean of mass at the bottom and also a couple/few smaller spots on the right side.  see it?  yep.  mother eff.  that knocks him out of the “simple cyst” category and into the “moderate and/or complex” category.  basically – this means he’ll likely need surgery to remove because they can’t suck him out with a hollow needle (::puke::) and poof his butt be gone.  no, no, no.  benny is a bit of a fighter.  whatevs.  as long as he isn’t cancer.

benny also lives pretty much directly over my trachea.  (that’s my windpipe).  and is the most likely suspect as to why i’ve been having such a difficult time breathing as of late.

so in summary – benny is kind of a big ole’ bastard – but most likely NOT cancer.

the bad news is (remember – this is a bad news sammie?) that benny has a friend.

i didn’t even know she existed until this morning.

my very kind ultrasound tech said that joon is much bigger than benny and although she’s pretty much painless – she’s actually more concerning than benny.

you see – joon lives on the left side of my thyroid right up against my esophagus.  this solves the mystery as to why i’m struggling to swallow crap.  like WATER.  ouch.  hurts like a motha’.

you can see that while there is some fluid in there (the black part) – she is a lot more solid.  which means she might not be a cyst.

and the real concern is that solid part on the right looks like it has a blood supply… and a blood clot.  

that’s right – a mother loving blood clot.  inside. of. joon.  blood clots = not typically great news. this could become an issue of it’s own.  if that is for sure what it really is and it were to rupture it could cause some potentially serious issues.  but i’m not gonna worry about that now.  because i’m not even supposed to know that’s a possibility.  <3

and so – regardless of whether she’s cancerous or not – she absolutely has to be removed surgically.  and if she IS a cyst – then she is a complicated cyst.

overall – the shapes and contents of benny and joon didn’t give the ultrasound tech a for sure sign either way.  so she didn’t really want to guess whether these two monsters are cysts or cancerous tumors.

she did say that nine times out of ten – masses like joon fail this first round of tests and a biopsy is ordered.  which means i failed this first test.  i mean – not officially – but unofficially.

she also said the doc likely won’t biopsy benny at all because joon is the more likely cancer suspect and if that nasty ole’ hag IS cancerous – the entire thyroid comes out and benny is attached and therefore evacuated either way.

also… benny and joon have some groupies.  teeny little beginnings of what appeared to be solid masses on the right side of my thyroid.  also didn’t know they existed either.

so MY thyroid looks something like this.  ish:

this could be good – it could be bad.  sometimes having lots of cysts means it’s more likely they are cysts.  other times – having lots of cancerous masses means it’s cancer and it could potentially be spreading.  which would therefore make it ineligible to qualify for stage 1.  cancer ranges from stage 1 to stage 4.  thyroid cancer patients at stage one pretty much have a 100% rate of survival.  those unlucky enough to land at stage 4 have a 2-5% chance at surviving.

also – sidenote:  i really missed my calling and should have been a real doctor huh?  i mean – i could whip up these diagrams for my patients and they’d be really impressed.  “dr. awesomepants.”  boom.  mama likey.  bwaaaahahaha!

potentially failing this test doesn’t mean i have cancer.  it really doesn’t mean anything for sure.  and really – other than finding about about joon and the groupies – i don’t really know anything new.  except that i’m very likely to need a biopsy for joon.  but maybe not.  LOL.

nothing. new.  and you just wasted a good solid 15 minutes of your life reading this mumbo-jumbo.  bwaaaahahaha.  <3

the last slice o’ good bread on this  bad news sandwich is the biopsy will give definitive answers.  if i need it.

i’ll write again soon when i actually know what all this crap means.  <3

until then,
*m