so. i had my biopsies done today.
i was nervous. i mean – i am waiting to hear if i have CANCER. blah. so effing skeerrrrry.
i arrived at the hospital, got out of my car and dragged my feet towards the radiology department. it was cold. and snowy. blah.
as soon as i opened the double doors – i was greeted with this sign.
ACTIVE SHOOTER DRILL!??! mmkay – lemme back up – major props to deaconess for being prepared. this world is so scary. and soooo crazy. and just sad sometimes. all that said – my anxiety level was already pretty high. THIS sent it THROUGH THE ROOF. my imagination started going wild. i wonder how far they’d take the drill. i mean – would there be a guy with a pretend gun and a black trench coat walking the halls? were we (as patients in there that day) supposed to participate and hide? i started to sweat. like literally sweat. i got really hot and probably pale. this is MONTANA. if there really WAS someone walking around with a gun and a trench coat – they better be wearing a sandwich board with a bright pink sign saying “don’t shoot me! THIS IS JUST A DRILL!” i’m NOT trying to be funny here – i was SO scared and nervous. code active shooter – zomg.
then i started thinking – this is a sign. this is going to be a bad day.
oy.
i quietly checked in and sat down hoping and praying i’d be WAAAAY gone before 11:15am.
they called me back and started getting me all prepped for the procedure. i had to strip down and wear one of those pretty gowns. you know the ones i’m talking about… they “tie” in the back. except they don’t come together. so – i embraced it. my butt got some airtime. whatevs. annnd – so if you were a patient in the radiology department nurses station today – you. are. welcome. <3
when it was time my nurse came and got me and we strolled to my procedure room. her in her scrubs and danskos – me in my gown with my butt hanging out and my up to my knees snowboots. sooo hawt. i considered having her take a picture of THAT for you – but then i didn’t. LOL.
she opened the door and gestured for me to have a lay on the gurney. as i shimmed my bare bum over to my chariot on wheels – i caught a glimpse of my biopsy set-up laid out across a metal tray. so many needles you guys. little ones – but zomg – SO. MANY. needles. i laid down and she whipped out the ultrasound machine.
“mmmhhmmm. ok.” she said. i said, “you can’t see em huh? they’re just magically gone, aren’t they? POOF! i’m a medical miracle!” she laughed and said, “no – they are still there. sorry about your luck sister.” well poo poo to you nurse ratchet. she rolled the needle table over and called in the doc.
he came in and rattled off a bunch of medical jargon explaining what was going to happen. then he asked if i was ready. i nodded.
he did a quick ultrasound and determined that joon had not eaten benny. benny was still very much there – he just was literally half the size he used to be. maybe even a little LESS than half. so he excused himself and called another doc and came back in and decided they’d only biopsy joon. he said i’ll have a follow up ultrasound in 6 months or if benny or the groupies grow and start causing me any pain. whichever comes first.
they grabbed a big blue sheet with a rectangle cut out of it. the rectangle had a sticker. it was made out of the same material as the thing your dentist straps around your neck so he can wipe your drool and any gross stuff you have in your teeth on it. it was big though. they stuck the rectangle sticker over my thyroid and then they completely covered my face with it. i couldn’t see anything. i had a brief thought that this must be what it’s like when you die and they pull the white sheet up over your face. so i prayed. because at that moment – all i could do was pray. and lie still. like a dead woman. with a sheet over my face.
he stuck me a few times to get it all numbed up. it hurt. he kept saying, “little bee sting here… another little bee sting. mmkay one more bee sting.” ummm – no. that’s not a bee sting. that’s a damn needle jacking me up with meds. and it stung. and burned. i was feeling pretty sorry for myself under my big blue sheet. a single tear streamed down my face and i was all of a sudden really glad they couldn’t see me. turns out – i’m a wuss. LOL. and i was afraid.
he stuck needle after needle after needle. then he shook em’ around. then repeat. again. and again.
on the second to last stab – things started to hurt. but i couldn’t really speak because i was too scared my voice would shake things around and he’d accidentally stab me in the voicebox. or the carotid artery. so i just sat there.
and then he was done.
he removed my face blanket and shook my hand. that’s when i told him i was having that pain again. so he grabbed the ultrasound machine and sure enough – joon had hemorrhaged and filled herself with blood. hemorrhaged is a scary word… it wasn’t really serious – they got the bleeding stopped right away. it just left joon swollen, enlarged and causing me quite a bit of pain. sadly – there really isn’t anything i can do but take anti-inflammatory meds and ice her. she should resolve herself within a few days. blaaah.
the nurse cleaned me up and put on the bandages.
then it was time to sit up. so i tried. and i was so dizzy. and hot again. the world was spinning… FAST. and i couldn’t hold the weight of my head. i almost fell completely out of the bed until the nurse grabbed my head and guided me back down. and then i threw up. except it was in my mouth… because i didn’t have a puke bucket. zomg – gross.
the world wouldn’t stop spinning. so the doc came back in and another couple people showed up and were trying to help me manage the weight of my 10,000 lb head. it was about this time that i heard over the loud speaker, “this is just a drill. i repeat, this is just a drill. CODE ACTIVE SHOOTER! CODE ACTIVE SHOOTER! COOOOODDE AACCCTTTIIVVVEEEE SHOOOOOOOOOTER! this is just a drill. again, just a drill.”
i couldn’t even tell what was real at that point. i moaned, “somebody get me a puuuuuke bucket – PLEASE! HURRRRRYYY!”
it was really fun.
they got me sit up and my eyes were spinning – it was so weird. i felt totally completely wasted. alcohol poisoning wasted. it was awful. at some point someone stuck their finger into the back of my mouth and placed some anti-nausea meds under my tongue. i had a cold icepack on my head and they decided that rather than try to transfer me to a wheel chair they’d just roll my radiology gurney back to recovery.
i don’t even remember exactly what happened – i was totally out of it.
so i hung out in recovery for a couple hours and started to feel a little better. they ran a battery of tests on me and determined i wasn’t gonna die… TODAY. and they cut me loose. LOL.
and now we wait…
