a lesson in faith building

i got the call today.

i. am. cancer. FREEEEEEE!  <3  

THANK YOU GOD!

i can’t even tell you the INCREDIBLE weight that has been lifted!

the doc said that after careful review of my scans and pathology reports – there are no additional procedures in my immediate future!  <3

i have complex (joon) and moderately complex (benny and the groupies) cysts/tumors.  the masses are benign!   a benign tumor is a mass of cells that lack the ability to invade neighboring tissue or metastasize.   there is a possibility that they could grow and have to be re-scanned and possibly even biopsied – but the doc said some people live their lives having just one episode and others have problems every couple months and then opt to have their thyroid removed to stop the pain. just like so many things in life – we’d just have to wait and see what happens.

i’ll have a followup ultrasound in 6 months (or before if i have any pain) to make sure joon, benny and the groupies aren’t growing or multiplying.  but as long as my blood work stays stable and i don’t have any pain – i’m good to go.

there really aren’t words to express my gratitude.  not just because i don’t have cancer – but for this whole experience.  it was SO incredibly eye opening and gave me this INCREDIBLE opportunity to build my faith and draw close to God.

i knew, even these last couple weeks, that living like i was dying was dramatic and a little extreme.  but the thing  is – i really COULD have been.  and really REALLY living life like you are dying is one of the most incredible awe inspiring things i’ve ever EVER done.  one of the most incredible and awe inspiring GIFTS i’ve ever been given.  several years ago – i  pretended to live like i was dying after that country song came out – and in those moments i thought i did a pretty good job.  but when a life threatening disease was literally one of two things on my “life” table – it was different.  and SERIOUS.  i was handed down this incredible opportunity to examine myself, my life, my husband, my kids, my choices – my LIFE – in this totally different, new incredible light.

my emotions while i have been waiting to hear what was next for me were a very literal roller coaster.  but looking back – i made choices and memories and observations about my life that i never would have otherwise.  i’ve never EVER felt closer to god and i know FOR SURE that this was no accident.  i absolutely believe he pulled me in.  i’ve been praying for months for help.  i’ve been praying for guidance and wisdom and a new perspective.  and my God delivered!  certainly not in the way that i had seen it going – but in a way that provided SO much undeniable evidence of his love and wisdom and infinite presence that it’s just… unreal.  <3

i’ve heard LOTS of people talk about having spiritual experiences.  they are SO hard to explain.  because often times they are so raw and personal that it’s just not relateable to a big crowd of people.  and honestly, i’ve had SEVERAL of my own in my lifetime.  but then life happens and time passes and i forget how PROFOUND and IMPACTFUL those things were in their season.  i will be praying that i remember all these feelings and all the incredible things i’ve seen and thought and experienced through this.  what an incredible revelation of God.  <3  in real life TANGIBLE form.

moving forward – my life is different.  I AM DIFFERENT.  everything is different.  it’s no longer about praying to God asking for a sign – because i can now see that while i was praying for a sign – i was SMACK DAB in the middle of a life changing, brain altering spiritual faith building experience.  i just couldn’t see it.  i couldn’t see what HE saw.  i didn’t have the plans that HE has.  i wanted to do it MY way – and let’s face it – my way hasn’t served anyone for awhile now.

i once heard someone (who is very brave and incredible) say, “if the only time you worship God and spend real quality time with him is when you’re in the gutter – plan to be in the gutter.  because he’ll keep bringing you back there until you see and learn.”

i’ve spent a lot of time in the gutter in the last few years.  i’ve spent a lot of time feeling resentful and sorry for myself.  because my life was “hard” and “unfair” – but the fact of the matter is – i have an INCREDIBLE life.  and people and places and things come and go.  that IS sad.  and unfortunate.  but they were never MINE in the first place.  they were always HIS.  and if i don’t relax and “let go and let God” my life is going to be “hard” and “unfair.”  always.  and i refuse to choose that for another day.  my life is hands down more amazing than i could have ever imagined.  and from here on out – i’m going to live for today.  and i’m going to do what i can RIGHT NOW.  i’m going to stop worrying about the past because i can’t change it.  it’s OVER.  it. is. finished.  all i can do is move forward.

and now that i’m healthy and strong – you bet your boots – mama’s gonna live it.  and live it hard.  i’m soooo humbled and grateful for this incredible journey.  soooo many lessons were learned.

one of my best most important people asked me what i’m going to do to celebrate this news.  it took me ZERO time to respond.  i said:

time to get out there and live.  like really REALLY live.  i hope you do too.  hug your babies.  tell your people you love them.  and choose joy.  because you can.  <3

until next time,

*m