i’ve told a few more people about what’s going on. the problem is – i really don’t know what’s going on. so telling them what’s going on is… hard.
the handful of my people that know i’m headed in for the biopsies on benny, joon and the groupies in a couple days have been asking me “how i’m feeling,” and “how i’m doing” and “if i’m ok.” the truth is – i may be manic depressant. LOL.
seriously though. there are days where i throw pity parties (for one) and feel very sad, crazy amounts of scared and suuuuper sorry for myself. then – there are other days that i understand and accept the reality that i have no idea what’s happening and that whatever it is – i’m not in control. both days i pray. i read devotionals and i read scripture about waiting, patience, acceptance, understanding and most of all love.
today is easter. i told my hubster i was going to stay home while he and my littles drove to his family’s ranch for dinner and crazy activities. if i’m honest – holidays are very difficult for me since my mom passed away. i miss her. and on holidays it’s always amplified times a thousand. she always went overboard. she was always making things BIG and over the top. new traditions and sillyness reigned. it was fun. and i desperately miss it. my husband’s family is great. they are supportive and kind and i’m extremely grateful for them. they are staples in my kid’s lives. and mine too. buuuut – going to kev’s family often makes me feel sad because i miss my own family so very much. i can feel alone in a room with 50 people. instead of being grateful that i DO have family in his – i feel sad that i’ve lost all of mine. it’s very hard to explain.
anyway – i told him i was gonna go ahead and just stay home. i really could use an entire day where i could just do me. i could sleep in, watch tv, take a bath, then maybe go back to bed. LOL. do some nothing. it sounded great.
but when i really prayed and search my heart of hearts – i knew it was selfish. and unfair. and while i know this is SOOOOO dramatic and completely unlikely – the thought entered my mind that this could be my last easter. and that i’d LOATHE myself for sitting it out.
i prayed for a new perspective. and i got it friends. so very loud and clear.
you see – i’ve never EVER really questioned my OWN mortality. i mean – we all live – we all die. i get that. and i’ve watched both my parents literally wither away in front of my eyes. i. get. it. but i’ve never REAAAALLLY considered the fact that someday i won’t be here too. until now. someday – my littles will have to go on without me. and someday – my husband may have to find another wife. obviously – it’s not what i want and if it were in my control – i’d change that crap IMMEDIATELY. but… it’s not.
my whole life i’ve really been quite blessed that i’m fairly healthy. i’ve never been super sick or had anything that could remotely resemble my end of days. but since this whole bologna with benny and joon and the groupies have popped up – i’ve been thinking a lot about it.
i know thyroid cancer is generally curable. and i know the mortality rate is in my favor with stage 1 & 2. but the fact that there are SO many unknowns that surely are low probabilities – for the first time ever – they are POSSIBILITIES. like real in your face possibilities. the people that are in their 30s that go in for what they think is a lump and then leave with stage 3 and 4 diagnoses don’t expect that. they don’t think that’s going to happen to them. or really even anybody they know. but it DOES. sometimes. and that’s scary. and it has forced me to look at myself and my life and my choices in a new light. because at the end of the day – whatever this is – there’s nothing i can do about it except trust the my God will deliver and heal me.
the way i see it – i have two choices. i can sit around and stop participating in life (which really – makes me dead already) or i can live like i’m dying. because the truth of the matter is – living like that is one of the greatest blessings i’ve ever experienced. now – i know this is a little dramatic. and i know i could run to the store for milk and get in a horrible car accident and that’d be the end of me. or you. i get that. but really living everyday like it could be your last (because – HELLLOOO! it could be) is one incredible gift… especially when it’s literally one of a very VERY short list of options on the table. is it sad? absolutely. is it scary? it’s HORRIFYING. but when you really accept that all of us are mere mortals and none of us get out alive and then you live your life as if you could go at any moment – it’s freeing. like really REALLY freeing. you stop worrying about what other people are thinking of you or whether they are going to call CPS on you for going outside in the snow with no coats to spin circles and catch snowflakes on your tongue with your little people. because you aren’t living to impress the world anymore. you are living to make memories and experience life. and it’s really beautiful.
i’ve been spending my time thanking God for what i DO have instead of asking for what i DON’T. i’ve spent the last couple weeks watching my people – i mean really looking at them and i feel like i’ve literally “seen” them in a way that i never have before. i’ve been appreciating them for who they are – RIGHT NOW – today instead of trying to think of ways to help them be better and stronger and faster. i’ve stop wanting “more” for them and instead worked on helping them see how amazing and vibrant and beautiful and perfect they are right now. today. doing what they’re doing. i’ve been sitting back and enjoying the ride as best i can. i’ve been handing it all over to God – because really… what other option do i have?
i recently read a book where the author described her life and brutal and beautiful. and when you put those two together – that makes “brut-i-ful.” and when i read those words – something inside me clicked. i got IT. it’s SOOO very true. i’ve just been so effing focused on the brutality and how God must have forgotten about me or decided that he didn’t really need me in his crew that i forgot to see the amazingness of it all. i’ve been so focused on how to help those around be become better than i am and not make the same mistakes that i have that i’ve been trying to control them. and everything. and i’ve seen – clearer than ever – that i really control nothing.
not. even. myself.
and today – right now – i’m ok with that.
the thing i struggle with the most is – am i enough? is what i’ve done enough… is what i’ve said enough… is what i believe enough… is every choice i’ve ever made… enough. i’ve convinced myself that it isn’t. i know God does miracles. he does them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. but – maybe – probably not for me.
i spoke to a friend that has become so very dear in the last couple months. i told her how one minute i’m strong and one minute i’m a hawt mess. she said:
“God IS in control. And this is a time where He’s going to be showing you that in such a raw, real, crazy way. When you say you want to talk to Him on the phone, tell Him to reveal himself… And He will. He is so faithful.”
so i said, “mmkay. i accept. i will ask.” and i did – and i am. and until i hear back – i’ll wait. and i’ll keep going. because that’s what i do. <3
