i know i said i wasn’t going to write again until i knew what i was dealing with… but i’ve had a lot of time to think. and then re-think. LOL.
i’m almost sure benny is a cyst. i say this because i think benny is gone. and i think joon ate him. LOL. there’s something i never thought i’d write.
i woke up with no pain in my neck sunday morning. literally – THE DAY AFTER my ultrasound – poof. he was gone. and so was the pain.
i can’t say for sure – but i think the ultrasound tech thought he was a cyst too. and she flat out told me that joon is more “suspect.”
i’m about to get a little crazy on you – judge me if you must – but understand i’m absolutely serious.
after my ultrasound tech was ultrasound tech-ing my neck she said to me, “it’s so interesting this large mass popped up here on the band of your thyroid and led us to all of these other masses that we likely wouldn’t have found for months… maybe years. you must have someone watching out for you.”
hot tears welled up in my eyes.
damn right i do. <3
i buy into life after death. 100%. there is nothing and no one that could ever EVER convince me otherwise. i’ve had SEVERAL experiences where there is no explanation other than that god and heaven and life after death exists. it’s real. period. sometimes – when i’m really still – and i’m REALLY listening and praying and spending time with god – i can literally feel my mom in a room. we loved butterflies. especially monarchs. soooo many times – at really special or emotional times in my life (and my kid’s lives) out of no where – the EXACT second i start thinking “i miss mom – i wish she was here to see this.” BAM! a monarch flies out of what seems to be no where. or i’ll go to my mom and dad’s grave while it’s snowing and i talk and i cry and then out of the cloudy snowy mess of a sky – the clouds part and ONE ray of sunshine will blast down and hit me and their headstone perfectly. i’ve looked around – there’s NO OTHER SUNSHINE. just me. and them. soooo many times i’ll smell patchouli oil in a room by myself (usually in my own house) when i’m crying. or cigarettes. so strong it’s like someone is smoking right beside me. i don’t wear patchouli – that’s my mom’s scent. and i don’t smoke – but you can bet your sweet ass my dad did. he always smelled like some kind of delicious food mixed with cigarette smoke. it was his smell. and sometimes – it’s still around. out of – apparently – no where.
i hope you don’t think that’s where i was gonna get “crazy” because it’s not. that’s just the set up for the crazy. LOL.
here’s the thing – i know how nutso it sounds – but i think my mom might have put benny on my thyroid and caused me a crap ton of pain so that i’d go into the doc and get it checked out and find all this other bologna (ie: joon and the groupies). i mean – obviously – i don’t even know that i think my mom really could strategically place a cyst within my body – but she could have talked to god about it. and put in a good word to help me out. and he might have listened. i mean – if you knew my mom – you’d know she really is pretty persuasive.
CLEARLY it would have been SOOOO much better if she would have just mailed me a letter that said, “yo! i miss you – go get your thyroid checked. love, mamacita” i’m guessing god nixed the letter from heaven thing. orrrr – rather than placing a painful cyst on my thyroid she COULD have been all, “yo! god! do me a solid and remove that cancerous tumor from my kid’s throat…” but whatever. i’ll take what i can get.
in the event joon really IS cancer (which i just… am really scared about HER. like – my gut always thought benny was a cyst. but as soon as i saw joon – my stomach sank) and she really DID effing EAT benny – she’s a cannibal. not just a brainless cyst. she’s a monster who is feeding herself and eating other masses to survive. and that makes me skeeerrrrrred.
so… is it even a remote possibility that my mama tried to lead me to joon (and the groupies) by way of benny? i surely think so. because if joon is cancer – we found her early. months – maybe even years sooner than i would have without benny causing me pain.
and therefore – i’m standing in faith and expecting a miracle. because they happen everyday. and even miracles take time. the fairy godmother even says so. and that ole’ lady has a magic wand. so i’ll wait. and be still.
time will tell…
until next time,
*m
