the waiting game

i heard from the doc late last night.

he officially failed me on my first round bilateral ultrasound and said that i need a “fine needle aspiration” on both benny, joon and the groupies.  in “thyroid cancer for dummies” terms it means he’ll be taking a biopsy on all of em’.   and while he said that doesn’t necessarily mean i have cancer – he did say i shouldn’t wait to have the procedure done.

so i told him to schedule me with the first available appointment.  and he did.  it’s april 7th.  as in a week from today.

blah.

time has morphed me into a dog as of late.  a year is 7 years.  a week is like a year in my life.  it’s horrible.

i’m grateful.  i mean, really, i am.  because doing the biopsies will give me a solid concrete diagnosis.  but the fact that having cancer is on the table at all scares me.  and makes me an emotional crazy person.   i’m anxious.  and scared.  and trying to trust the process.  and god.  and his timing.  but being out of control is hard for me.  it’s uncomfortable.  mama no likey.

i’m such a HORRIBLE fill in the blank-er.  like – if i don’t know the outcome to something – i’ll think of 1,000 solutions and play them out to the end.  so it takes awhile.  and they really are all worst case scenarios.  because it’s what i do.  i prep and i plan for doomsday.  and when you literally have a life and death situation on the table – that’s never a good place to live.

i’ve been working on becoming my “best version of me” and i’ve set these expectations for myself.  high expectations.  ways that i think i should see the world.  ways i expect myself to act.  ways that i can do more and help others.  but patience is a virtue i’ve never had.  like… ever.  and waiting is so hard.

i really REALLY like to be in control.  i LOVE it.  i neeeeed it.  especially of myself.  well and really – of everything.  bwaaahahaha.  today my heart feels anxious and scared.  and in devotion time with God today – i could almost hear him saying to me “DO YOU TRUST ME WHEN MY ANSWER IS WAIT?”

and while i want to shout from the rooftops – “YES! of course i do! i’ll wait for you foreverrrr!” the raw dirty truth is… i waiver.  i try.  i want to. but… i waiver.  so i pray – “god… please please grant me patience.”  and since i’m being honest – i usually toss a quick, “and please hurry” in there too.  LOL.  then i turn it over – then i grab it back.  then i turn it over and i do this crazy dance where i give it then i take it… over and over.

God never gives you more than you can handle.  or something like that.  so there’s that.  LOL.

until next time,

*m