today was the day of my bilateral thyroid ultrasound. it sounds really fancy, huh?
i went into this portion of confirming a diagnosis with a plan. (you aren’t surprised are you? HA!) you see, my plan this time was to attempt to become insta-BFFs with my tech and get some information outta’ her. even a little bit. really – anything. i’d take it.
it worked. kinda. she was SO very nice. we could totally hang under different circumstances.
here’s what i know.
this is me. this morning. i was skeeerrred. mama don’t wanna die.
lemme’ stop and say again – crap like this popping up in your life really REALLY makes you think about your life. right now – it’s sooooo unbelievably clear what’s important… and what’s just… NOT. i literally laughed out loud on the way to the hospital this morning thinking about the things i was all up in arms stressed out about on thursday morning before i realized i might have CANCER.
also – it occurred to me that i’m that girl that is SOOOO good at religion and prayer and faith and spirituality when things are bad and i’m literally brought to my knees. there have been several times in my life where i felt so close to god that he was absolutely 100% tangible. i mean – i could literally FEEL him in the room. and then life happens and time passes between those life changing experiences and i forget all those times where we were literally besties and i feel abandoned. and then i get bitter. and resentful. and i pray for “a sign.” and while i never ever EVER doubt that god CAN do miracles – i often find myself thinking i’m just not sure he will for me. gah. that hurts my heart to write it… but it’s true. i wonder if i’m enough… daily.
regardless of the outcome of all this bologna – i’ve already learned a lot. i have GOT to learn to relax. and just roll with life. and not worry about so many things. and most of all – be grateful rather bitter and resentful. i’ve learned (once again) that i’m not in control of anything. and if i don’t stop pretending that i’m the driver – i’m gonna lose my mind. so today… i’m standing in faith – waiting for my miracle and trusting that god will deliver. for me. because today… i’m enough.
mmkay. so here’s REALLY what i know.
basic anatomy lesson. this is a thyroid:
it looks like a butterfly. a really gross fleshy and totally NOT pretty butterfly – but a butterfly none the less. stay with me.
yep. that’s him. his name is benny. i thought he lived on the right side of my thyroid because that’s where it hurts. he doesn’t. i thought wrong. he actually lives on the band. or the “body. – the space in the middle of the “wings.”
now – let me remind you i’m not a doctor (well – i mean – i AM a GOOGLE doctor – but that doesn’t count for in real life situations) and while i did the absolute very best i could to listen and remember EVERYTHING the tech said – this is what i remember.
you can pretty clearly see benny’s borders. (it’s the circled green outline courtesy of yours truly). duh. LOL. the black part of benny is fluid. the fact that benny is primarily fluid means he is most likely a cyst. ::confetti::
that’s good news. i mean – it’s not “GOOD” news – but it’s “much better than cancer news.”
however – you’ll notice that bastard has a little solid bean of mass at the bottom and also a couple/few smaller spots on the right side. see it? yep. mother eff. that knocks him out of the “simple cyst” category and into the “moderate and/or complex” category. basically – this means he’ll likely need surgery to remove because they can’t suck him out with a hollow needle (::puke::) and poof his butt be gone. no, no, no. benny is a bit of a fighter. whatevs. as long as he isn’t cancer.
benny also lives pretty much directly over my trachea. (that’s my windpipe). and is the most likely suspect as to why i’ve been having such a difficult time breathing as of late.
so in summary – benny is kind of a big ole’ bastard – but most likely NOT cancer.
the bad news is (remember – this is a bad news sammie?) that benny has a friend.
i didn’t even know she existed until this morning.
my very kind ultrasound tech said that joon is much bigger than benny and although she’s pretty much painless – she’s actually more concerning than benny.
you see – joon lives on the left side of my thyroid right up against my esophagus. this solves the mystery as to why i’m struggling to swallow crap. like WATER. ouch. hurts like a motha’.
you can see that while there is some fluid in there (the black part) – she is a lot more solid. which means she might not be a cyst.
and the real concern is that solid part on the right looks like it has a blood supply… and a blood clot. 
that’s right – a mother loving blood clot. inside. of. joon. blood clots = not typically great news. this could become an issue of it’s own. if that is for sure what it really is and it were to rupture it could cause some potentially serious issues. but i’m not gonna worry about that now. because i’m not even supposed to know that’s a possibility. <3
and so – regardless of whether she’s cancerous or not – she absolutely has to be removed surgically. and if she IS a cyst – then she is a complicated cyst.
overall – the shapes and contents of benny and joon didn’t give the ultrasound tech a for sure sign either way. so she didn’t really want to guess whether these two monsters are cysts or cancerous tumors.
she did say that nine times out of ten – masses like joon fail this first round of tests and a biopsy is ordered. which means i failed this first test. i mean – not officially – but unofficially.
she also said the doc likely won’t biopsy benny at all because joon is the more likely cancer suspect and if that nasty ole’ hag IS cancerous – the entire thyroid comes out and benny is attached and therefore evacuated either way.
also… benny and joon have some groupies. teeny little beginnings of what appeared to be solid masses on the right side of my thyroid. also didn’t know they existed either.
so MY thyroid looks something like this. ish:
this could be good – it could be bad. sometimes having lots of cysts means it’s more likely they are cysts. other times – having lots of cancerous masses means it’s cancer and it could potentially be spreading. which would therefore make it ineligible to qualify for stage 1. cancer ranges from stage 1 to stage 4. thyroid cancer patients at stage one pretty much have a 100% rate of survival. those unlucky enough to land at stage 4 have a 2-5% chance at surviving.
also – sidenote: i really missed my calling and should have been a real doctor huh? i mean – i could whip up these diagrams for my patients and they’d be really impressed. “dr. awesomepants.” boom. mama likey. bwaaaahahaha!
potentially failing this test doesn’t mean i have cancer. it really doesn’t mean anything for sure. and really – other than finding about about joon and the groupies – i don’t really know anything new. except that i’m very likely to need a biopsy for joon. but maybe not. LOL.
nothing. new. and you just wasted a good solid 15 minutes of your life reading this mumbo-jumbo. bwaaaahahaha. <3
the last slice o’ good bread on this bad news sandwich is the biopsy will give definitive answers. if i need it.
i’ll write again soon when i actually know what all this crap means. <3
until then,
*m
